Why Telemarketers Get A Bad Wrap!

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Nobody likes telemarketing or really unsolicited advertising at all.  In fact you hate advertising so much you fast forward through it on you PVR.  Ad companies, not to be deterred, use product placement, which is more bearable.  But telemarketing schemes are the worst. So now I will proceed to complain about these calls as well as one very specific dumb ass I got a call from.

As a general rule of thumb, if you choose to call me unsolicited and waste my time,  I will be returning the favour.  I rarely let a telemarketer go easily and usually take them on a will goose chase for at least a minute or two.  Everyone should be taking the time to fuck with a telemarketer, they are annoying.

My biggest pet peeve is the one where the phone rings, I answer and that obnoxious fucking cruise ship horn sounds in my ear, followed by someone telling me I have won.  I won an hour of being fucking pissed off and cranky.  Everyone won an hour of liking me a little less.  If you are going to annoy me with telemarketing at least give me a person to tell to piss off.  The worst part about this is they now are registering normal phone numbers for this call and even names.  That is bullshit.  They should have to come as “ANNOYING ROBODIAL” on my call display.

The other one I get a lot of is the one where my phone rings, I pick up and the other end of the line is blank.  What the hell is that, and I get it once every couple of days.  Annoying.

The companies we know who call us.  Rogers is a prime problem.  I seriously have considered cancelling my Rogers phone because of their annoying calls.  The Rogers guy calls and tells me he has something to talk about.  My first question is “Is this a sales call.”  Fully well knowing if he says yes I am going to tell him to leave me alone his response is “no sir, this is a promotional call.”  What a fucking asshole.  Is Rogers trying to tell me they think I am stupid or don’t know how to operate a thesaurus.  At which point I say I don’t want any of whatever because really he can call me as much as he wants because I pay my Rogers bill.  Hey Rogers, piss of already.

Our bank calls similarly.  When they call my wife she hands it to me.  Sometimes I lead them on for a bit.  But usually I ask the same question as Rogers.  Their response is more fun.  “Sir I can’t discuss this matter with anyone but Tiana.”  Bullshit you can’t, mine name is on the same account.  Instead I say “Is this a call regarding the security of her card.”  To which they give me the same answer as previously stated.  I am pretty sure if it was a security issue they would tell me it was and that is why they needed to talk to my wife.  I also appreciate that the telemarketing firm RBC uses, employs only women with distinct Texas accents.  I really believe that my bank is hiring soley southern women from the states to deal with real bank issues.  Or maybe she just wants to sell me shit.  She then will say something about when would be a good time to call back and speak to Tiana.  My response is always the same “Sometime around never would be perfect.”  I will have this exact conversation again later.  If it is for me I will start to listen.  After he starts pitching me his script about whatever new account they want to get me signed up for (obviously with only a small annual service charge), I always have the same question or same theme.  “Sir, do you have a bank account that is perfect with someone with no money or better would be a bank account that allows me to deposit your cheques into my accounts.”  Usually this ends the call with a thank you and hang up.  I appreciate the thank you.  Sometimes the call continues.

Just like the bank experience I had a lady call me, through the work listed number, to tell me about a small business seminar they were offering.  Really the goal was to get a bunch of guys to spend money at the seminar that taught them nothing.  I knew this because she instantly started to tell me how limited seats were for this very special business guy who was talking for that hour.  First off I don’t think a one hour seminar is going to do me a lot unless it is specific to our business.  Second unless dudes name is Warren Buffet I don’t think he is selling out in an hour unless by tables she meant 1 table.  I asked her if they would be taking time to cover how to make a company with absolutely zero capital and huge amounts of debt a success.  It was obviously tongue in cheek.  No shit, she says “Sir, I think there is some time for questions about companies like what you are describing.”  I fell out of my chair.  I asked again.  “That is great, it is so hard to find good business tactics for a company that has zero money or accounts receivable.”  At this point she says to me “Well sir then we would love to get you a seat at our seminar, who should I take down as the name.”  I thought the gag had gone far enough, we had been talking for about 4 minutes at this point.  So, I told her that I was actually not interested, and I think she was stunned.  Again she thanked me and hung up the phone.  I hope they recorded it so she could play it over and realize where she lost the sale.

But the true gem of them all came from this prick who markets for the Calgary Police Service Magazine.  Now I think our local police do a bang up job and hope that they receive support in all manners.  But someone should tell them to fire their ad agency for this magazine.  We are a small business, and don’t have a lot of money for advertising of any type.  By that I mean we are in a word of mouth business and don’t have money for advertising.  In the past when we have said no they have moved to their guilt tactic.  A very aggressive firm, they tell us about the money that goes to victim services for things like pedophilia.  And who wouldn’t want to support that, now you’re an asshole if you say no, but hey sometimes I guess you have to be an asshole.  I mean the asshole is the guy on the other end who manipulates his call like that.  But still they say Calgary Police Magazine and I tend to try and be a little more accommodating.  So buddy calls last week.  Asks me about an ad for this magazine, by the way has anyone ever seen this magazine anywhere.  I said “Sorry, we aren’t in the position to make a donation at this time.”  He says to me “No sir this isn’t a donation its an ad in a magazine.”  So I said “Well we definitely are not looking to purchase ad space but thank you.”  But he isn’t done, no he tells me “Well think of it more like a good will gesture.”  Lol again these guys obviously assume I am not smart enough to get a Thesaurus.  So again I say, “we aren’t able to make a donation.”  And right away he starts into his manipulation techniques about the money.  Too which I stop him and say “Look man, I didn’t want to be a prick and so I was nice, the answer is no.”  He has the nerve to try and resell me and when I say no again he just hangs up.  No thanks or anything.  Here is the thing asshole, and you are an asshole, you are in the business of the long con.  Maybe you didn’t make a sale today, but if in a few years we are looking to take an ad or make a donation you have assured yourself of not getting that sale.  I will never make a donation to Calgary Police Magazine because of this telemarketing group.

As a general rule of thumb this business should be made illegal, it is nothing more than a make work project.  I really see no difference between the telemarketer and the scum bull Nigerian prince who e-mails me.  Actually I lie, at least the prince has terrible grammar and a ridiculous story to tell me.

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