Noah! Never Film on Water!

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Ask those involved with an awful movie like Waterworld, don’t ever film on water.  In all fairness, was this movie not doomed the day they decided to cast Kevin Costner without a baseball?  Well apparently history is bound to repeat and so we were punished with Noah!

Tiana and I both had some interest in watching this flick.  The guy I work with told me it was good.  I will be honest, he usually recommends stuff to watch that Tiana and I like.  Seems he gets along with our tastes.  However I have to disagree with him on this movie.

With nothing to watch on a Thursday night we made the leap.  Now full disclaimer, neither of us is into the bible.  We realize it is a fantastic tale for many to read but it holds no appeal to either of us.  While I have the general gist of these stories, nothing makes me want to read that book to get the a more in depth view of  this tale.  Especially the old testament.  I figured we could get into this story the same way most high school book reports are completed, a quick movie.

It didn’t take me a long to realize that I was going to be sorry about how I chose to spend a little over two hours.  I get the whole Cain and Able thing, but I had not previously heard that Cain’s descendants turned the world to one giant and non fertile rock.  All the plants dead.  No trees.  Had not previously heard these things.  As the story moves on we are introduced to my favourite biblical characters, the rock people.  I haven’t seen these underrated religious icons since “The Neverending Story”, which seemed like it already would be a good title for this Noah movie.  The rock people then helped Noah to something to be considered a serious miracle, they found Anthony Hopkins, still alive and got him a role in a movie.  Not bad for a guy who is at least 150.

Now apparently the religious crowd has a serious set of bones to pick with this movie.  Such a brutal departure from the story in the bible.  After all, god spoke directly to Noah in the bible, and in this movie Noah just has a bunch of visions.  These visions probably would be chalked up to nightmares by most sane people, of course hearing voices has its own set of issues as well.  Neither story has a great Noah.  Then Noah is this angry bastard who is willing to kill his own family.  In the bible he is just supposed to help repopulate.  So now this movie is headed toward the longest family annihilation story ever told, down right sick.  In the bible Noah had lived for hundreds of years, and he needed over 100 of those to build his oversized boat.  But those super cool rock folks build the boat for him in a much shorter period of time.  Of course the bible doesn’t mention the names of wives of Noah and his boys, but that is because the bible doesn’t value women.  Well this movie only gives one boy a wife, and that makes for an even creepier conclusion on the repopulation of the earth.  One creationist, bible super nerd had a big issue with loading of the ark.  He is upset about how it is made to look that all the species of animals in the world look to be loaded on, not just kinds.  Obviously this looks ridiculous.  Of course this guy has to admit to evolution if he says that not all the animal varieties were on the boat.  But I do agree the scenes of thousands of animals loading up looks odd, you can see a clear ratio issue.

Now I couldn’t find much on a couple of other issues I wondered about.  I wondered exactly how early bronze age people were mass producing weapons.  With bronze age swords appearing after the time of Noah, I wondered about the weaponry of Cain’s descendants.  Another issue I saw was with the big boat.  They leave the hull of the ark and out to a deck, in this deck appears a pool of water, a very large one.  Kind of looked like a ballast tank, oh wait this isn’t a submarine.  I was equally impressed with the very fast growth of the ecosystem from one seed, pretty crazy.

But generally my biggest issue with this movie is how terrible it was.  The dialogue was weak, the acting of Hermoine was in line with that of the twilight girl’s calibre.  The story is incredibly disjointed and demands huge leaps of faith, there is little explanation for a lot of what happens and everything wraps up in a neat and tidy bow.  The best part is Russell Crowe sitting on the beach, drunk as shit. Being a drunkard would certainly explain the images and the need to build a giant boat, at least that or some sort of hallucinogen.

Probably a movie you can skip if you are religious or not.  If you are religious it will piss you off because it doesn’t even touch the bible story.  If you aren’t religious, while you may enjoy the shattering of the religious story, you will find the movie incredibly unwatchable.

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