The Male Side of Infertility! Schedules!

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It would seem that people are ok with reading my blogs about our battle with infertility.  That is cool. It usually is a pretty lonely feeling and has led to a lot of anger and depression.  So thanks for your support.  That being said, this one comes with a caveat.  If you are my mother, probably don’t really need to read this one.  I know you know how babies are made, and this one is about emailing the stork!

While I talk about anger and depression, my personal coping mechanism is laughter and immature jokes.  Why?  Because if I stop laughing, I may never stop crying.  This is my latest instalment.

Everyone who has wanted to have kids, and has planned, knows about scheduling your sexual activity.  The infertility crowd knows this calendar even better.  That is why it pisses us off when people drop that old “you know there are only certain days in the month.”  Lol, yeah we hadn’t figured it out.  Guess what, we have hit those days, we have had months were we had sex enough, every day even.  Back when sex was really fun every day, not just the days between certain calendar events.

For the infertility crowd, this calendar is like a hammer, beating us over the head.  At first planning a potential pregnancy is fun, you figure out when is prime time and then you make sure to have sex on those days too.  After a few months you start buying the little test kits, thermometers and that crap.  So it already starts to suck.  You watch for the calendar day, use the corroborating tests to ensure high probability.  Now I will tell you one thing, there is nothing sexier than consulting a test prior to getting it on.  So you continue on with the tests.

Eventually when that doesn’t work, you go see the doctor.  But IUI and IVF isn’t anyones dream form of conception.  So you continue to plan on the calendar.  Now though each cycle of IUI and IVF adds a new calendar.  The days that I have to have between my previous pleasurable moment and my date with my tan plastic couch (read the previous entry in this series).  So the calendar continues to win.  IVF is unsuccessful, well that shit is expensive.  So you have some alone time again before your next treatment.  You hope beyond hope that maybe you will get lucky.  Always ends in disappointment.

Here we are, watching the days of the calendar tick by.  Planning for our next romantic rendezvous.  In fact sometimes so excited about being forced to have sex by a calendar, we forget we can have sex on the other days. We put it on our iPhone calendar.  It is awesome, I can see them in the fertility calendar colour.  Now this is like some great month long foreplay.  It is even better when I actually forget about the calendar.  I get home and my wife looks deep into my eyes, she batts her beautiful blue eyes, the corners of her mouth turn up in a wonderful smile, and she whispers in a sultry voice “Baby, we have to have sex tonight, it’s time!”  Now some of you guys think some sexy lingerie is the way to go.  You go to Victoria’s Secret, but the best place to shop is the websites that teach about calendars.

Of course some days when we have to have sex, I don’t really feel in the mood.  But my wife has a remedy to that.  She explains how we can’t afford to miss it, with all the biology and science included.  Now if a little talk about the female reproductive process doesn’t get you fired up, you are just weird.

Not to brag or anything, but I like to think my wife and I have a pretty amazing sex life.  I mean at least on my end I enjoy it!  But required sex days can take the romance out of anything.  So sometimes we have the most unsexy sex.  It is more like a job than something to enjoy.   So we get the job done and move on.  I honestly find myself feeling guilty about the event, realizing I didn’t give it the attention it deserves.  That calendar really pisses me off, and I bet it pisses a lot of other people off.  Sometimes it gives me a little performance anxiety and it takes extra time to get in the mood.

EAT YOUR HEART OUT SHADES OF GREY!!!!

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