Bachelor Weekend! Not As Exciting For Me

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My wife left me this week on Wednesday! I am home alone, not Macaulay Culkin style (I don’t do booby traps), but home alone all the same.  Just me, 2 dogs and a scheming cat.  Well I guess I can add my Television, Xbox and kitchen into those keeping me company.

Alright so maybe a little misleading, my beautiful wife returns tonight!  She has been away at a Hockey Alberta camp coaching some young ladies.  And from my view she can’t get back soon enough.  I know a lot of you guys love your bachelor time, you can’t believe how lucky I am to have my own space for five days.  But if you have read my blog, you know I have no friends.  So going out with the boys and watching some football and telling over exaggerated stories of our teenage sexual conquests (ah the good old days, when don’t kiss and tell was actually don’t kiss, and make it up anyways).  You also know my best friend is my wife.  Instead of enjoying a weekend with her, I am going to bore you with the details of my week of loneliness!

We live in a large city, where there is lots of crap to do, but really who wants to do it alone.  Also I have a road rage issue and hate traffic so going out prior to 7PM has no value to me.  So starting Wednesday I knew a lonely night of nothing awaited me at home.  In fact on Wednesday I made an excuse to meet some guys at a job after 5PM on a job site, just so I didn’t have to go home bored.  They told me they would call if they needed anything, but instead I offered to meet them and walk through the building for an hour with them.  More fun than home.

We currently live in a duplex in the SE.  Attached to us is a family we don’t know well.  They are renters from the previous residents of that home.  We know they are from eastern Canada, are pretty young and have newborn twins.  They seem really nice, although I am guessing the male inhabitant works on the rigs, he hasn’t been home in a while.  That or she buried his body and got rid of his truck somewhere.  Probably because they are Russian spies and he leaked some info to CSIS.  Actually nope it’s the rig thing, nobody is turning info over to CSIS and CSIS wouldn’t know what to do with espionage info.  So we don’t see them outside very often, I imagine twins are exhausting, especially for one person.  On the other side of us, not attached is a cranky young lady.  When we moved in we invited her to share a glass of wine with us one evening.  She has this very cute dog named Baxter and we always said hi to him and her.  But she never really reciprocated the pleasantries so now we just say hi to the dog, well even that we don’t do now.  Our only interaction is her annoying roommate who is a shitty parker and doesn’t leave enough space for us to park.  That means no neighbours to interact with, I haven’t even mentioned the crazy lady two doors down who thinks our dogs are here to eat her.  On leash she shudders and cowers from them, from one hundred feet away.  Makes me laugh.  One of our dogs is the size of a football, I get the fear of the big one, although irrational.

So I get home every night, eat dinner, which is always pizza.  I just can’t motivate myself to cook for one.  I want someone who can appreciate it.  So I bring up a few pizza joints and create an order and go through with the one that speaks to me the most.  (I really need to write one of these on my beef with delivery charges and tipping in general, in fact I will after this).  Our kitchen is well located in our house, for my lazy evenings.  The bathroom is not.  Entering our front door you look into a coat closet.  Well not into, we leaved it closed because it looks like we have issues with IEDs in there.  Turn left and you can take a leak.  The rest of the house lies to the right of the entrance.  Directly at your right is our dining area, also known as the area where jackets, and other crap sits on a large table.  Our salt water fish tank also right near the front door to your right.  After passing through the dining area you instantly enter the kitchen which transfers into the back of the house, and the living room.   The living room is where I keep the XBOX, so this room brings me happiness, especially on bachelor week.  So the fridge is about 10 steps from my video game playing position.  Order pizza, and now two more days of dinner is sitting ten steps away from my entertainment.  In the new house, I have agreed to place the XBOX in the bonus room, all the way up the stairs from the kitchen.  I think my wife is hoping I will walk the stairs a little more often, maybe knock a few pounds off.

So my evening consist of some dog time, the park, because it is easy to get out there with nothing else.  My dogs love the park, and I don’t really love leash walks.  The pure joy of my dogs running through the park unhindered by a leash is awesome.  They truly seem to be smiling, meeting new dogs, sniffing private areas and asses.  Add on to that the fact the big dog loves to get pets from strangers, thank god she isn’t a small child, vans and candy would be a serious issue for us.  After the park home to food and video games.  I downloaded the Beta of Destiny, but I just got frustrated because I suck at video games, and this one wasn’t easy enough.  Back to sports games.  Dinner comes with an episode of Mayday, my favourite TV show right now.  Plus I can’t watch old episodes of Fresh Prince without Tiana, that isn’t fair.

At the end of the evening it is bed time.  Bed time comes a little later without Tiana to tell me to be a grown up and when to go to bed.  So I play one more game on the XBOX than I should have and it’s really late.  I don’t sleep well without my wife, not sure why.  So I flip on something on Netflix to keep my brain from thinking about how lonely I am.  Tiana and I always talk at bed time, sometimes we talk until I fall asleep and I answer her questions with “but there is chainsaws everywhere”.  Unrelated and her sign she has soothed me to a good nights sleep.  The Dogs like bed time because they now get a full half to two thirds of the bed to lay out.  The big dog especially.  On the hot nights she wouldn’t be in the bed because it would be too hot.  But with half the bed unused she can still stay cool because she can sprawl.

My parents are always good enough to have me for dinner one or two nights when I am alone, so that helps.  This time I even spent most of Saturday with my Dad going through the mechanical completion of the new house, preparing for my mechanical review on Monday.  He took me for lunch and then I went home.  However it was still only 3PM so I cleaned a little and then I went for a nap, for two hours.

My bachelor weeks don’t consist of meeting up with the boys for sporting events, body shots or treating young woman as objects.  It isn’t that I don’t want to do these things, don’t get me wrong, objectifying women with another guy, realizing we both have great lives with great a great wife at home, sounds like the perfect way to spend an evening.  Going to a club where the ladies are asked to wear little more than underwear to be employed and then sell men extra shots by using their sexuality, isn’t an issue for me.  I am not here to judge anybody.  Even sitting in a pub with the guys watching football I am sure is ok.  Although football can be boring to watch and the CFL decided to schedule the local team for a Thursday night game, so nothing for me to watch.  No my bachelor weekends are spent wallowing in self pity about my lack of friends.  Actually it isn’t even that, I enjoyed my time sadly.  I miss my wife and am lonely without her but wouldn’t be able to fill that with someone else.  I am pleased with the progress I made in my burgeoning video game careers.

So far all you young guys, imagining your future when you celebrate your family leaving, forget it.  We are routine based animals, we like our families.  If you are excited to send your wife away for an extended period of time, maybe you should have considered how much you wanted that marriage before you said the “I dos” portion.  Bachelor life sucks, the food isn’t as good, the company isn’t as good and the best you can do is try and relive your youth, but that always ends in a hangover.

WIFE COME HOME!

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