Everyone who experiences infertility has a similar list. The things are generally the same, but hey I might as well do it from my end too. This is more a family side, not really male specific, but they are my frustrations.
It is Normal for It To Take A While to Get Pregnant
This is all good and fine, but only if there are no other issues. We talked to doctors early who wouldn’t give us a referral to a specialist. My wife had a family history that we had to be concerned about, but still doctors balked. Sure we understood at 4 months it wasn’t cause for concern, but at 9 we had good reason to request the referral.
Treating all Infertility the Same
When we saw doctors they treated us just like everyone. The regional fertility clinic in Calgary treated us how they treated most of their other cases. Unfortunately that doesn’t make sense. There are a lot of reasons for infertility. And when you do more research, you start to find that there are many different treatments. Often the diagnosis is not easily explainable and I can see why you have a standard approach. However, for people like us, there is a precise diagnosis and should be a specific treatment approach.
Miracles Happen Everyday, and Anecdotal Stories
I like it when someone says “owe a miracle might come” or “my cousin’s, friend’s sister took forever. Thought they would never have kids, then they couldn’t stop having kids.” This is a stupid set of statements. Miracles don’t happen, they aren’t real. We know why we have an issue, a miracle isn’t a solution. That’s great for your cousin’s, sister’s friend, but it is unlikely to occur and there is probably an explanation for this, you just aren’t aware of it.
“Just Relax it Will Happen”
Please don’t support your friends with this crap. It isn’t helping them. Guess what, we tried it drunk and relaxed for almost a year, it doesn’t work. Look at my pictures, my wife has to be drunk just to look at me some days, we have tried. This isn’t a solution. There is a reason doctors don’t prescribe an all inclusive resort.
“You know there are certain times to have sex”
No we totally are stupid. We didn’t do any health classes or sex ed as kids. My wife has been having periods for all these years and had no idea why. Totally oblivious to the process going on in her body. In fact we didn’t think you had to have sex at all, we are hoping for the miracle of immaculate conception. Ok so we aren’t stupid, no one experiencing any level of fertility issues is. Everyone knows how it works and everyone knows how to chart the cycles, there is a freaking app for that. Stop saying this, it makes you look like an asshole.
“Why don’t you just adopt”
Why don’t you just give me your damn kids. If we had chosen to build our family that way, we would have done it already. One day we may have to make that decision, but we want to experience the entire pleasure (and pain) of pregnancy. We want that to be part of our family story. And I really love the asshole who tells me about how children in bad situations need people to adopt them. There are tons of good people who are ready for that step, we aren’t that is why we allow my wife to become a pin cushion, at a doctors office. Not to mention, adoption is difficult, long and freaking expensive. In Canada open adoption means that the birth parent has an extended period to change their mind. Three months of glorified babysitting isn’t of interest to us!
The Who is Responsible Theory
This is awesome. Everyone wants to get to the bottom of the diagnosis, so they can assign some sort of blame. There are people who won’t go to the specialist because they are worried they will find out something is “wrong” with them. If you are blaming your partner, stop, or get a divorce, this is a full couple experience. No one holds blame. When I chose to start a family with my wife, we got into this together. Nobody takes responsibility, we just survive it as a couple. If I can’t have kids with my wife, I don’t want kids. A diagnosis is for couple to share and work through together.
Bitching About How Tough Your Life is With Kids
You would be so surprised by how many friends do this. They bitch and moan about their kids and how tough it is. Oh it must be tough, you had a choice in the matter and you have our dream. Think about it next time, those kids you love so dearly, they aren’t so bad especially when you consider the person you are complaining about doesn’t have that choice.
Experiencing infertility is tough, but it isn’t made any easier by going down any of the above roads. I could probably talk about frustrations all night, but these were the low hanging fruit complaints.